Hockey, the greatest game on Earth. A fast paced game of action. The toughest and roughest men are often put to shame on the ice. You can’t get much more Canadian than a game of hockey. Which is exactly why Phallic Guy decided that he’d talk about hockey this month.

“Hockey, a game in which the goal is to score. Who doesn’t like the sound of that? I’ve dedicated my life to that very pursuit. In hockey there is a guy called a goalie who’s job is to try and keep you from scoring. In my experience, the one who is always trying to keep me from scoring is the woman, but I haven’t tried everything…”

“Am I the only one who spends time watching hockey as a precurser to a good romp? These guys spend the entire game with their sticks in their hands, and only occasionally get to shoot. That’s tough. It’s an exciting, sweaty, fast paced game that leaves you breathless. Sound familiar?”

“It is important in hockey to wear protective equipment, again this applies to many things… They don’t call me Phallic Guy for no reason.”

“Any game in which an announcer will yell out, ‘he’s really using his body’ is almost too much for me to handle. The only thing I won’t get into is playing during the first period…”

Possibly the oldest team sport, Polo was first played on barren campgrounds by nomadic warriors over two thousand years ago. The game was played from Constantinople to Japan by the Middle Ages. Known in the East as the Game of Kings. All of which is irrelevant to Bacon Magazine staffer Phallic Guy.

“In my opinion, Polo is the sport of kings, because kings are notoriuosly randy. Any sport in which you spend the entire day playing with your stick and balls is obviously hinting at something. Is it just me?”

“Don’t get me wrong I like nothing better than spending the day riding… and it’s even better with a team. However, my former girlfreind told me the other day that she was now playing for the other team… I’m a little confused.” Read more »

The game of billiards has a long-standing tradition. It’s been played in bars, lounges and basements since the time of Shakespeare and may even have been played by the ancient civilizations of Rome and Egypt. It is reportedly a game played by the monarchy all over Europe. It is a game of skill, finesse and intelligence. All of which is irrelevant to Bacon Magazine staffer Phallic Guy.”I find the game of billiards very erotic. I’m amazed by how much a pool table is reminiscent of a bed. In fact, I’ve used one as a bed…”

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