Jack Thompson
I want to hurt him. It must be because of all the violent video games.

Tom Cruise
He NEEDS to be punched.

George Bush
He needs several thousand punches to the head, chest, neck, throat and face areas.

Angry Sub Lady
Don’t be so angry, and make me a good god damn sub for once!

Oprah
Hypocrites need punches. Oprah needs 2.2 million punches.

Ann Coulter
Punch her in the face. Then kick her in the junk. Then punch her again. And again. And again.

The RIAA
Can’t wait to see the video of the punching on youtube, with the illegal ‘Rocky’ soundtrack.

Everyone From Finland
Because let’s face it, those Finnish bastards can’t be trusted!

Jack Valenti
Needs to be beaten by groups of people, but he’s not allowed to know who’s actually in the groups that are beating him.

Prince Charles
I just think Chuck looks like he could take a punch.

Editors Note: Steve Jobs too, that smug little hippy.

I thought milk was included! Read more »

Me Jane Films is currently producing a special one hour documentary for CBC called The Two-Four Anniversary of “Strange Brew”.

That’s right, Rick Moranis and Dave Thomas will be reuniting as Bob & Doug McKenzie for what may be their last show from the Great White North… and they want to hear from you!

They are looking for the best, most entertaining home video footage, photographs, collections of memorabilia, and Hoser stories.

Do you have an entire room in your house dedicated to Bob & Doug? Do you or someone you know consider toques and parkas as wardrobe essentials? Have you ever tried to stuff a mouse inside a beer bottle… and videotaped it? Are your children named Bob & Doug… and they are both daughters?

You get the picture. They want to see how those original Hosers – and their comedy classic, “Strange Brew”–have impacted your lives.

E-mail them at info@mejanefilms.com and let them know if there’s anything you’d like them to consider using in the show.

Be sure to include your phone number because when they receive your submission they may need to contact you for more information.

Depending on the nature of your submission, they may request that an item be sent to them, such as a DVD or photo – or even better, you may be asked to participate in an on-camera interview! Payment may be available for some types of footage.

So put down that bottle of beer and jelly doughnut because here’s your chance to show the rest of Canada (maybe even the world, eh!) just how much these two unforgettable Canadian Hosers mean to you.

Looking forward to hearing from you, eh!

1. Scalpers at Maple Leafs games act like you’ve ripped them off after they rip you off.
2. There are lots and lots and lots of openly gay people here. Maybe it’s a big city thing, but in this town, there is no closet.
3. People will ride two buses and a train to get to a bottom-rung service industry job so they can tell themselves they work in the city.
4. Men in Toronto wear berets and expect that no one will make fun of them in the same way that men in the West think they can get away with cowboy hats. They are both wrong.
5. Toronto people easily confuse “expect good service” with “act like a total asshole to people all the time.”
6. Confusing and contradictory parking signs are to be expected. Assign approximately ten percent of your monthly income to pay for parking tickets until you learn to just not drive anywhere.
7. You get a warm feeling walking past the old, ugly yellow brick warehouse that is Maple Leaf Gardens. Who cares if a relevant sporting event hasn’t taken place there in years? Just walking past the place nurtures my inner jock.
8. If you trip, a Starbucks will probably break your fall. If not that, then a Tim Horton’s.
9. People asking for change are more plentiful than pop-ups at porn sites.
10. The key to survival is getting bored of the strip joints before you blow your rent money on eight dollar beers.

Once upon a time, not long ago, and not far away, there lived a teenager who was forced to live on the street without the benefit of a Visa gold card, warm bed, weekly allowance, nutritious breakfast or a good night kiss. Read more »

I’m here to bitch and moan about Christmas, but it’s not the actual holiday I dislike. It’s the mental frenzy of shoppers I encounter upon leaving my home to go anyplace where products are sold. It could be the LCBO, it could be the mall, it could even be the “Everything For A Dollar” store. There’s never a shortage of pushy housewives, screaming children, annoying teen mallrats, and bitchy power-shoppers. It’s sad that a wonderful holiday such as Christmas must cause me so much stress because of these freaks. You can try to blame it on the stores displaying their festive wares far too early, the Christmas tunes piped into every speaker system in the country, or the polar bear Coca-Cola commercials on TV.  But the truth is that it’s not the fault of any of those things. Marketing and advertising have been around forever. The cause of this mayhem is really just the consumer. If consumers didn’t get so bent out of shape at the thought, “Oh My GOD It’s Almost Christmas”, we wouldn’t be in this sorry state of affairs every fall. Is it really going to enrich your fathers’ life if you give him that 42″ plasma flat panel TV? Commercials say it will. People are just corporate whores. Everyone needs to relax. It’s not the end of the world if you don’t find that FUBU sweater in an XXL for your overweight nephew. Nor is the sky going to fall if you cannot fathom spending $25 on a coffee mug simply because it says “slut” on it for your sister (because its SO her). I just don’t understand. Maybe I’m so bitter and cynical about it because I’m poor and cannot afford to buy my loved ones whatever their little hearts desire. That could be it, but I really don’t think so. Read more »

You got something to say? Are you constantly being told you are full of crap? Are you a rambling idiot?

If so, why not put your words down on paper and not get paid for them? Bacon Magazine is pleased to announce that we are now accepting submissions from freelance writers. This is a great opportunity for you to build your portfolio AND get your material published. Bacon Magazine has a built-in audience of 100,000 suckers who’ll read pretty much anything we publish. So send us your writing! We’re looking for humour, Canadiana, and pretty much whatever other kooky crap you come up with. Send it in, and we’ll decide whether or not you really are the village idiot!

Hockey, the greatest game on Earth. A fast paced game of action. The toughest and roughest men are often put to shame on the ice. You can’t get much more Canadian than a game of hockey. Which is exactly why Phallic Guy decided that he’d talk about hockey this month.

“Hockey, a game in which the goal is to score. Who doesn’t like the sound of that? I’ve dedicated my life to that very pursuit. In hockey there is a guy called a goalie who’s job is to try and keep you from scoring. In my experience, the one who is always trying to keep me from scoring is the woman, but I haven’t tried everything…”

“Am I the only one who spends time watching hockey as a precurser to a good romp? These guys spend the entire game with their sticks in their hands, and only occasionally get to shoot. That’s tough. It’s an exciting, sweaty, fast paced game that leaves you breathless. Sound familiar?”

“It is important in hockey to wear protective equipment, again this applies to many things… They don’t call me Phallic Guy for no reason.”

“Any game in which an announcer will yell out, ‘he’s really using his body’ is almost too much for me to handle. The only thing I won’t get into is playing during the first period…”

Geography of Women

• Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, and naturally beautiful with fertile soil.
• Between 23 and 33, a woman is like Canada, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
• Between 33 and 43, a woman is like India, very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.
• Between 43 and 50, a woman is like France, gently aging, but still a warm and a desirable place to visit.
• Between 51 and 59, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
• Between 60 and 65, a woman is like Yugoslavia, she lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes.
• Between 66 and 70, a woman is like Russia, very wide and her borders are now unpatrolled.
• After 70, a woman is like Tibet, She has a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages… but only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

Geography of Men

• Between 1 and 80, a man is like America, ruled by a dick.